Yesterday I crashed. Joe got us saying that he wanted us to go to church. I looked at him and told him that I just couldn't. I was tired, wanted to stay in bed and read, it's our first whole day at home for awhile. We agreed that'd he'd go and I'd stay back. It isn't typical for me to have complete 'alone' time and I must say, it was nice - for about 20 minutes. True to my word, I snuggled in bed and read for much of that time.
I felt a bit better by noon but an hour later, I was cold and shaking. Exhaustion. We canceled our evening out with friends and we both hunkered down to a nice dinner and a quiet night. Somewhere about 8, I heard Joe get out of bed and start to tinker around in the front room. I came out to see what he was doing. He reminded me that I have the OT assessment in the morning, the assessment that will hopefully begin the process for me getting a scooter and perhaps even an assistance dog. I've got a series of questions for her about mobility issues at home, about various things I wonder if there are adaptive aids for. Trouble is, I've spoken to her on the phone, she sounds like she's 12.
Joe stayed up an hour or two longer, making the place tidy. He's very much like that. We hired someone, back in the mists of time, to clean our apartment once a week. Joe spent the day before the maid came cleaning the apartment. He didn't want him to see it messy. Really.
So she'll be here at 9 to do the assessment. I'm more anxious than I ever thought I'd be. The very word assessment has within it the sense of judgement. I've never noticed that before. Well, what if she doesn't have good judgement? She wasn't picked for me or my needs specifically, she's just the next OT on the list. So some of my future hangs on whoever walks through my door in a couple of hours.
Wow. So that's how it feels waiting for me on assessment days.
But, enough of that, I'm living life on the other side and need to realize that I teach self advocates about speaking up, about being heard, about saying no. I teach self advocates that they have rights. That they have a responsibility to use those rights. But now, as I face a stranger coming into my home - rights are the last things I'md worried about. It's not rights I want, really, it's respect.
I wonder if I'll get either.